


It's You

by Name_Pending



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 14:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15632187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: Tony and Steve both have nightmares, but they always tell each other about them.Except the ones about Siberia. Those ones, Tony keeps to himself. Or at least, he tries to.





	It's You

Tony wouldn’t tell him what the nightmares were about.

He got them two or three times a week and they were worse than his usual nightmares. Steve was intimately familiar with his usual night terrors, having woken up on numerous occasions to his partner thrashing around in bed, still asleep and caught in whatever terror his mind had concocted for him that night. Steve was used to prodding him awake and then holding him while he calmed down, or patiently probing for details when Tony didn’t want to talk about it.

He was even used to the bad ones, the ones that sometimes developed into anxiety attacks. Tony often fled after those, but Steve always followed. Tony didn’t always let him help but he always told Steve what the nightmares were about.

It was part of their open and honest policy, that they both had to be honest about things that were bothering them, including stupid recurring dreams. Steve had his own nightmares, too, and sometimes it would be him who woke up with his heart racing and Tony’s gentle hands on his arms.

Ever since they had begun to rebuild their fractured relationship they had tentatively agreed to be honest with each other. Steve’s lie of omission about Tony’s parents’ deaths had nearly killed their friendship for good, and they both refused to let it ruin it again when they finally started talking again.

It had taken a long time for them to start talking on the phone and longer still for them to meet in person. There were disagreements and arguments at first, both of them painfully careful of everything they said and did around the other, until finally they reached the point where the Accords and Siberia became terrible memories that they just had to live with. That was about the same point they both acknowledged that they had indeed rebuilt their friendship, but they hadn’t rebuild it the same as before.

Before it had been simple friendship, but they built it into something more. Steve had made the first move and Tony hadn’t hesitated, and they’d been together ever since. They were, mostly, happy together. And they had agreed to be open and honest with each other, promising that they would never let lies or secrets ruin their relationship the way they had almost ruined their friendship.

So why wouldn’t Tony tell him about these nightmares?

Steve knew they must be bad because Tony looked haunted when he startled awake from one, and he always got out of bed and left the room. Steve followed him, but Tony refused to talk, and twice now he had icily told Steve that he needed to be alone. Steve had respected his privacy and left, but it had bothered him to the point where he didn’t get back to sleep.

It had been going on for a few weeks now, and Steve was getting incredibly tired of the same routine that they went through two or three times each week. He didn’t mind Tony spending the night in his workshop because the genius was caught up in an important project, but he didn’t like Tony hiding down there because he was too scared to sleep or talk to his partner about whatever was making it so bad.

He’d tried asking Tony during the day, tried to get him to open up. Tony had just brushed him off, though, and said they were just particularly bad dreams about Afghanistan or New York, before deftly changing the topic.

Steve didn’t want to push. He really didn’t. Tony could still be so prickly about things, especially when he thought Steve was babying him, and the last thing Steve wanted was for Tony to shut him out.

But he didn’t know what else to do, and now he was laying in bed watching his lover’s eyelids flutter in distress, his breath hitching as he twisted in the sheets, and he had no idea how to help him. How could he help if he didn’t know what the dreams were even about and Tony refused to stay in bed after he’d had one of these nightmares?

Steve was still internally debating whether or not to wake him, propped up on one elbow and sadly watching his partner, when Tony abruptly shot up, eyes wide open and gasping.

Steve reached out and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he pulled it back in dismay when Tony flinched violently.

“Tony, it’s okay. Whatever you saw, it was just a nightmare. You’re safe.”

Tony didn’t reply. He shut his eyes tight and focused on breathing in and out, and Steve was quiet as he waited for his suffering partner to calm himself enough to prevent a panic attack. These breathing techniques were something they’d learned together, and they worked best when the room was silent. They also worked best when Steve held Tony in his arms but after the way he’d flinched the super soldier was reluctant to touch him again, afraid of making it worse.

Once Tony’s breathing was relatively controlled and Steve was quite sure he wasn’t going to have an anxiety attack, he dared to reach out, but Tony pulled away before he could make contact.

“Don’t” Tony murmured, eyes wide and pleading. “Please. Don’t touch me.”

Steve sat up and folded his hands in his lap. “Okay. Are you alright?”

Tony hesitated for a second before he scoffed and threw off the blanket. “Yeah, I’m fine. Bad dream. Gonna head down to the workshop, see if I can...”

“No!” Steve interrupted, reaching out without meaning to and only just managing to stop himself from touching the other man. Instead he grabbed the edge of the blanket and carefully tucked it back over his lover’s body, keeping him in the bed. “Please, Tony, stay here.”

“Sorry, Steve, it can’t wait.”

“Yes, it can.” Steve purposely injected his ‘Captain America’ tone into his voice. “Tony, don’t do this. Tell me what the dream was about.”

“For God’s sake, Steve, it was Afghanistan. Water, electric shocks, all that stuff.”

“Stop lying to me.”

Steve was almost as taken aback as Tony by his words. He hadn’t meant to be so blunt; he was just tired of knowing that Tony was lying to him and pretending that he didn’t know.

Steve reached out and very carefully put one hand on the blanket over Tony’s knee, watching as his lover’s breath caught slightly although he didn’t pull away this time. Tony’s eyes were cast down and Steve didn’t push him to make eye contact as he spoke.

“You always tell me about the nightmares, Tony. We both do. I know what it’s like when you have dreams about what happened to you over there, and it’s not like this. You keep shutting me out. Whatever .... whatever it is, it’s not something we’ve talked about.” Steve paused to let the other man comment, but Tony was uncharacteristically quiet, so he just sighed and continued. “Come on, Tony. Tell me.”

Tony just shook his head slowly, not looking up.

“Tony, please.” Steve placed his other hand on Tony’s back, intending to rub his back but keeping his hand motionless when he felt how his lover instantly tensed at his touch. “You’ve never pulled away from me like this before.”

Tony glanced at him and then quickly looked away. He swallowed a couple of times, and beneath Steve’s hand his body was trembling slightly.

“Please don’t shut me out, Tony” Steve whispered. “Talk to me?”

He let the request hang in the air between them, falling silent. The room was tense and quiet for a few minutes before Tony broke the silence.

“You don’t want to know, Steve.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No. Trust me, you don’t.” Tony looked at him now, and he looked simultaneously frightened and angry. “Just drop it, okay?”

“You know that I can’t do that. We have an agreement.”

“Yeah, well, I’m amending the agreement” Tony said, his tone so casual and flippant that Steve cringed.

Steve knew exactly what his lover was doing, he’d done it so many times in the past. It was his defence mechanism, something he did when he was feeling vulnerable and didn’t want to let anyone know that. He threw on the public persona, the fake smile and nothing-can-bring-me-down attitude. Steve hated watching the walls go up, hated that Tony felt the need to protect himself even when it was just the two of them.

Usually he would let it go because if he was doing it then he had a good reason, but not now. Steve couldn’t let it go just now.

“Tony. Whatever it is, it isn’t worth that. I promise.”

“C’mon, Steve, that open and honest bullshit was for back when we were still at each other’s throats. We don’t need it any more.”

“Well I don’t want to give it up. Ever.” Steve’s voice was firm and he refused to let the other man break eye contact. “I like knowing what’s going on in your head, Tony. I like helping you after the nightmares, the way you help me. You have to let me in for me to do that.”

“Steve, please” Tony murmured, and he sounded so suddenly defeated that Steve’s heart might have broken a little. “Let it go. You seriously don’t want to know.”

Sudden realisation hit Steve hard and he closed his eyes, pained as an obvious truth dawned on him. It was Tony’s insistence that he didn’t want to know that cemented the truth in Steve’s mind, but really, he should have seen it earlier. It was fairly obvious. Tony had been so good at being honest about the nightmares - far better than either of them had expected, better than Steve. There was only one thing he’d not tell Steve about.

“It’s me, isn’t it.”

It wasn’t phrased as a question, because it wasn’t one.

Tony flinched but he nodded.

“Tell me, Tony.”

The genius hesitated but he did speak, though he kept his eyes on the blanket still covering his lap. “It’s always the same. We’re … it’s in Siberia. It all happens like it did before, only you don’t stop. You … you look at what I did to Barnes, and you pull the shield out the suit and smash my face in.”

Steve clenched his teeth together, guilt flooding through him faster than he knew how to process, but he didn’t say anything. He simply rubbed Tony’s back gently, trying to comfort him while he spoke.

“And then it’s like I’m a ghost. Or more like astral projection really, because I’m not dead, just nearly dead. I can see myself lying there, and my face is all...” Tony paused for a moment, and when he continued his voice was strained. “You can see me, though. My ghost, or whatever. And you just look at me and...”

This time when Tony trailed off he was quiet for long enough that Steve needed to prompt him to continue. “It’s okay, Tony. You can tell me.”

“‘This is what should have happened. This is what you deserved. One day, I’ll finish the job.’ That’s what you say. And then you walk straight through me and leave with Barnes, and I’m still _standing_ there and while I’m watching I can see the arc reactor flickering and then I die, which makes _no_ sense because it was bust by the point already and it wouldn’t kill me if it was anyway and I...”

“Tony, breathe!”

Tony’s breath hitched a few times, and Steve coached him through taking deep breaths for a few minutes, knowing that if Tony didn’t calm down he was going to send himself straight into a panic attack. It took a few minutes for his breathing to come back to something resembling normal, and then another few minutes before either of them dared to speak.

“And then I wake up” Tony whispered.

Steve nodded slowly, taking in the information that made him feel like he was being stabbed straight in the chest. Tony had just lodged a dagger made of guilt and lingering distrust straight into him, and the worst thing was that he forced Tony to do it.

He understood now why Tony didn’t want to tell him. He knew that it would hurt Steve to realise that, deep down, Tony still feared him, or at least feared some version of him that Steve couldn’t honestly promise would never return.

Steve wasn’t completely sure, but in that moment he thought that the worst feeling in the universe might be knowing that you were the person your lover had nightmares about. He wasn’t sure what was worse, that Tony had nightmares about him or that he had tried so hard to protect Steve from them.

Tony was always better after he talked about the nightmares. It did him good to talk it out with Steve; he slept better in the days afterwards. Which meant that Tony had been letting himself suffer so that Steve wouldn’t get hurt.

Steve was struck, not for the first time, by the notion that while he was glad Tony had forgiven him, he wasn’t sure he actually deserved it.

The truth pushed Steve into silence, for long enough that Tony looked at him for the first time since he’d started speaking. “Steve?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Tony clenched his jaw but he nodded, and then he abruptly pulled away and moved to get out of bed again, this time making it as far as to sit on the edge with his feet on the floor before Steve caught his arm to stop him.

“Where are you going?”

“Workshop. Or the bar. I haven’t decided.”

“Tony, I ...”

“I told you you didn’t want to know, Cap.”

Steve moved over to wrap his arms around his lover from behind, resting his forehead against Tony’s shoulder.

“I needed to know, Tony. Thank you for telling me.”

Tony snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll help you sleep at night.”

“All I care about is that it’s stopping _you_ from sleeping at night.” Steve’s arms tightened a little. “I am _so_ sorry, Tony.”

“For what? It’s over. We both made mistakes, we both got over it. It’s done.”

“It’s not done if you’re having nightmares about it.”

“Yeah, it is.” Tony’s bottom lip trembled and he bit it stubbornly. “If you measure the end of things by when I stop having nightmares about them then nothing will ever be over. I still have dreams about Afghanistan, Steve, and that’s been over for a long time.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re right. But that’s not what I meant.”

“Well what the hell did you mean?”

“You only pull away from me after the nightmares about _me_ , Tony.”

Tony mentally cringed as a tear fell from each eye, and he was immensely glad that Steve couldn’t see his face. He debated throwing out some funny comment and laughing it off, but honestly he was too tired to try. “It takes me a minute to remember that it’s over. When I wake up I see you and it’s like you’ve come to finish the job, like you said.”

“You know I won’t...”

“Yeah, I know, Steve. But it doesn’t mean I like it.” Tony sniffed, his head hanging low with shame. “I _know_ you won’t hurt me. But after that dream it’s …”

“Go on” Steve whispered, pressing an encouraging kiss to Tony’s shoulder.

“I know you won’t hurt me, but it’s like I can’t be sure. Like if I stay in the room, you’ll turn on me.”

Tony must have felt Steve tense up at that, because he laughed, broken and bitter.

“See, this is why I didn’t tell you. We both worked so hard to get over Siberia. I don’t want to screw everything up with my stupid nightmares.”

“They’re not stupid” Steve said quietly. “I hurt you, Tony. I nearly...”

‘I nearly killed you’ goes unsaid but it hangs between them, fully understood by both.

Tony nods once. “You didn’t. And we’re supposed to be over it.”

“You don’t have to be over it, Tony.”

Tony pulled away then and turned around to face Steve, eyes blazing with a sudden fury that must have been lurking under his skin without him knowing, because it appeared so abruptly that he was taken off guard by how angry he was. “Don’t patronise me, Rogers. You got over it, and you know what? So did I! I got over Afghansation, too, but I still have nightmares about it. And New York. This is just gonna be one of those things that doesn’t ever go away. It doesn’t mean I’m not over it.”

“Tony...”

“This isn’t a case of you being all calm and collected and me still being scared, you get that? I know you’re not going to kill me. I know it’s just a dream, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. Now you’re gonna be all guilty and sulking and it won’t made a damn difference.”

“Tony...”

“So now you know, can we just drop it already? I’m gonna head out for a bit and then...”

“Tony!” Steve yelled, finally cutting off his lover’s rant.

Tony was taken aback by the volume of Steve’s voice and he paused, and it was only when he paused that he realised he was pretty much sobbing. His cheeks were wet and his chin tickled as tears dropped onto his shirt. His lips were trembling and his face was heated, and his eyes must have looked frantic.

Tony opened his mouth to tell his lover not to interrupt him when he was making perfect sense, but to his horror, the words wouldn’t come - the only sound he made was a harsh, choked sob.

Steve pulled him into his arms, shifting automatically to lie back against the headboard with Tony curled at his side, head nestled against Steve’s collarbone. Tony could have fought but he didn’t see the point any more.

He had tried so hard not to let the stupid, nonsensical dreams bother him. He’d tried so hard to hide it from Steve, knowing how much it would hurt the super soldier. The last thing he wanted now was to hurt Steve.

It seemed he’d failed spectacularly. He’d seen the guilt and the pain in Steve’s eyes during his little outburst, and now the anger drained away as suddenly as it had come on and the fact that he’d hurt Steve just made him feel even worse.

Some part of him knew that he should pull away and run out of the room, at least until he’d got control of himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He felt too safe right now, safe in Steve’s arms. It was such a contrast to that stupid nightmare that he was determined to stay where he was. He had to prove to himself, and to Steve, that he _knew_ he was safe with him. Dreams were bullshit. It was reality that mattered, and as long as he still felt safe in Steve’s arms then that was all that mattered.

He did feel safe. He truly did. It was just that after the dreams he had a bit of trouble remembering that, and then the guilt over that simple fact would hit him and he’d have to leave to stop Steve from seeing. Steve knew the truth now, but Tony wasn’t sure it was a good thing.

Curled against Steve, he pressed his lips together to try and stop the sobs from coming out, but it didn’t stop the tears from falling, and he knew that Steve could feel the moisture through his thin shirt. His shoulders were shaking with the force of the strained cries, and he desperately tried to still the motion; Steve shouldn’t have to feel that.

Steve didn’t seem to notice, though, preoccupied as he was with holding his lover tightly to him. One arm was braced securely around Tony’s back, his hand resting gently at his hip, and the other was curled up so his hand was cradling Tony’s jaw, his thumb stroking the wet skin there.

Steve didn’t say a word. The tension had bled out of him now and all that remained was guilt and concern. Part of him wanted to apologise again, wanted to try to assure Tony that what had happened in Siberia was a mistake that would never be repeated. Another smaller, selfish part wanted to try and talk some sense into Tony, to force him to understand that the dreams weren’t real and would never be real again. He didn’t want to push, though. Trying to work through Tony’s lingering fear over what had happened was a task that had to be left to a time when Tony wasn’t already so vulnerable. Not to mention that if he interrupted, Tony might be embarrassed enough to get angry again, and that would do him no good.

Steve just held him, let the man who he had hurt so deeply and loved so completely cry in his arms until the tears ran out and Tony slumped against him, exhausted and embarrassed. Only then did he speak. “I’ve got you, Tony. I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry, Steve” Tony whispered, his voice strained like he was trying to keep it level and not quite succeeding.

Steve closed his eyes as those words jammed the guilt even further into his chest. “Don’t. Please. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, Tony. I get it. I’m glad you told me, I promise. I needed to know, so I can help you work through this.”

“Steve...”

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it tonight” Steve interrupted gently, knowing that this was a conversation they needed to have, but not tonight. Tony wasn’t up for it tonight, and honesty, neither was Steve. He needed to collect his thoughts first, and more importantly, he needed to take care of his lover for now, not push him into a difficult conversation. “Let’s go back to sleep.”

Tony tensed a little, and Steve noticed immediately. He loosened his hold slightly, desperate to make sure Tony knew he wasn’t trapped there in his hold.

Steve used the hand still cradling his lover’s jaw to tilt his face up enough to make eye contact. Tony was reluctant to meet his eyes, embarrassed knowing how red and watery his own still were, but Steve was silent until he did it.

“I promise you, I’m glad you told me. And I promise I’ll take care of you, Tony. We can talk tomorrow. For now, please, get some more sleep.”

Tony took a deep, calming breath, forcing that little part of him that was telling him to flee to be quiet, pushing it deep down inside until he couldn’t hear it screaming. He didn’t want to talk, knew there was nothing more he could say in this state, so he just nodded, and used a corner of the blanket to wipe the tear tracks away from his face.

Steve let him do this, knowing that Tony needed to do it himself. But when he settled back in against Steve, he tightened his hold on his partner, grateful when Tony relaxed against him. After the anger and the crying, Tony was more exhausted than he would have thought possible after one of those nightmares, and although he felt humiliated by his outburst it felt like a weight had been lifted. He was still furious with himself for letting Steve see this, but now Steve _had_ seen it and he was still here, and Tony knew that this wasn’t going to go away or make anything better, but for now it felt like it might, and that was enough. He was drained enough to dare to hope that things would look better in the morning, and comfortable enough in Steve’s accepting embrace to close his eyes and rest there.

Steve’s eyelids grew heavier with the lure of sleep now that Tony was relaxed against him, but his mind remained haunted. This was a problem that Steve hadn’t even known was there, and yet it had always been there, lurking in the shadows. As he stroked the tiny patch of exposed skin at his lover’s hip where Tony’s shirt had ridden up a little, Steve allowed himself a quiet, guilt-fueled sigh.

Despite all their progress, despite the fact that they _had_ worked through it, Siberia was the monster in the closet of their relationship, the thing that had threatened to tear them apart for good since the moment they had starting speaking again after it happened. It had taken a lot of work to get past it enough to be together, and now Steve had a renewed understanding of how much work still had to be done.

But he was willing to try. He would succeed, because no matter how hard it was, he refused to let it take from him the man in his arms. Steve had lost his whole world before and awoken seventy years too late to salvage it. He looked down tiredly at his new world, almost fully asleep now in his arms, and leaned down to press a tender kiss to Tony’s forehead.

“I’ve got you, Tony. I’ll keep you safe.”

The ‘even from me’ went unsaid but heard by both, and Tony tightened his arm around Steve’s waist in acceptance.


End file.
